(Recently, I reproduced a “letter” I wrote to our daughter upon her birth 30 years ago. I decided to add a few things later in 1991.)
Abigail, the letter I wrote welcoming you to this side of the womb was the first unsolicited advice from a parent you will receive. There will be globs more. We can’t help ourselves. You’ll ignore most of it as the fitful ravings of ancients whose own childhood dates nearer the time of dinosaurs than yours.
P.S. Abigail, in many ways infancy is a drag: underdeveloped senses, poor muscular coordination, fawning relatives, hanging out in soiled diapers. But I survived it. We all did, the better for the wear. Here are some tips on making the best of it.
Be sure to pee whenever your diaper is off. If possible, pee on your parents’ chest as they hold you. It is important to mark your territory as the dominant baby in the household.
Several times a day, the big people in your house will sit down around a table with containers of food in front of them. This is a great opportunity for family-bonding. Don’t let it pass you by. Immediately wake and demand to be fed and change. They will come to realize warm food is a luxury, not a right.
At night, you’ll notice your parents turn off the lights, lie down in bed, and close their eyes. In that state, they could easily forget you exist. You will need to remind them at regular intervals.
When company comes, you should behave like a little angel. It’s best to spend the time asleep with darling gaseous smiles lighting upon your lips. That way, visitors will know you have nothing to do with your parents’ awful state: slovenly, disheveled, bleary-eyed, short-fused, burp-up on their back. You can’t help it you have such slobs for parents.
Parents are a humorless lot. But there are some neat games you can play with them. Here’s one: when the proud parents have their little blessed event out in the public, let go one of those cute babyfarts. Then quickly look up at them. Such fun to see them blush.
Here’s another game. At night, take a bunch of short breaths. Then hold your breath and see how long till your folks bolt up in bed. If you’re good at this, you might get both of them to jump up and run into each other in the dark. Tee hee.
You’ve got some fun stages in front of you Abigail. There will come the age when you’ll put everything in your mouth. Your older sister ate dog food and drank latex paint from a can. The sky’s the limit! More accurately, the floor’s the limit.
Speaking of eating, not all solid foods are created equal. There are vegetables that adults grow but don’t actually eat. Beets and turnips for example. Every year the surplus of these is turned into, you guessed it, baby food. Yuck. Remember, they can put it in your mouth, but they can’t keep it there.
Later will come a stage when you will have developed skills like crawling, climbing, and pulling things down. Wow, does that offer possibilities! Say your parents have become too attached to some worldly object. That object could be inhibiting their spiritual growth. You should break it. They might scream at you. But remember, “You’re. Not. Responsible.”
As you get older, you might develop some bad habits that will upset your mother. Like tracking in mud, leaving stuff lie around the house, and spilling food. In other words, you’ll be a lot like your father. So, until you see him shape up, don’t worry about it.
Abigail, there are many things I have learned on life’s path with its twists and turns, potholes, detours, construction zones, speed traps, closed lanes, icy bridge decks, rush hours, and flat tires.
First, know when to kill a metaphor.
There are a lot of things you can do without, like trendy fashions and flashy gadgets. But there are two things that are necessary: good boots and a decent scoop shovel. You may not go far in life, but at least you won’t get stuck. Compatible software is nice to have, it’s just not as important as boots and a shovel.
Don’t eat those shrimp that have the little black spots in them. Trust me on this.
Soon, too soon, you will be dating. Avoid boys who change their oil more than their shirt. Beware the ones who crush beer cans on their foreheads. Watch out for Viking fans. There’s a lot of overlap between those last two groups.
Remember that money can’t buy everything. Like good friends and your health. Come to think of it, money can get you a better class of friends and better health outcomes. Ignore what I just said.
Grow your own tomatoes. Use the store-bought ones for garnish, construction, or munitions.
Never make the third out at third base.
Speaking of sports, it is important that you have on clean inner footwear to prevent infections. In other words, always practice safe sox.
Buy low and sell high. If you do buy high and sell low, use it as a tax dodge.
Never leave home in dirty underwear. My mother told me that long ago. Studies show that the quality of medical care is proportional to the condition of the patient’s underwear. After all, doctors are human. “Ick, you touch him.” It says right in our health insurance policy, Page 6, Section 4, “The company designated as the payer will not be bound to reimburse expenses incurred in treatment of the individual designated as the payee if said individual has stinky grundies.”
In closing Abigail, know that life will not always be a bed of roses. Sometimes it is a patch of thistles. You can take the easy route and get some 2,4-D. Or you can face it head on and hoe like hell. Or you can just wear tall boots all the time.
And if any of that makes sense to you, you are definitely your father’s daughter. Good luck. You’ll need it.