The excitement has built to a crescendo. Thousands are lined up at newsstands (whatever a newsstand is). Without further ado, here is the Annual Weeds Vacation Guide! Please, stay in line, no pushing and shoving.
Once again we begin with a hearty recommendation to vacation Sleepy Eye. Sleepy Eye has a lake and a water park. A lake, a water park, and endless fun! I mention our lake and water park knowing that tragically there are places that don’t have a lake and a water park. Some of these are cities not that far from Sleepy Eye, cities that consider themselves kind of a big deal.
There was hope for these unfortunate places when our president promised during the campaign to, “Make America Fun Again.” He vowed to build a water park and dig a lake in every city in America. Crowds roared their approval when he announced that not only would every community have a lake and a water park, but that Canada would pay for it! (Don’t ask me, I’m still trying to figure out how we’re getting Mexico to pay for a wall.)
The House passed the “American Happiness Act!” (AHA!). Then came the news that 23 million Americans would still be without a lake and a water park. The president said the bill was mean, and a new version got tied up in the Senate. Since, the president has turned his attention to…oh look, a squirrel.
So Sleepy Eye remains a top destination. When you’re in the area, be sure to check out Brown County’s other vacation mecca. I’m talking about the grand old city of New Wallum, located at the confluence of those two great waterways, the Minnesota River and Ruheheim Creek.
A trip to New Wallum is like a trip to the Old Country. You know, the one our grandparents all left. New Wallum embraces its German heritage, and if you doubt that, they’ll gobsmack you over the head with it. New Wallumers are defiantly German. New Wallum was originally settled by “Chermans.” Chermans are the most serious and stern branch of Germans.
When you’re talking about German tradition (ignoring those nasty little wars), you’re talking about beer. When in New Wallum, be sure to hoist a tasty Mel’s Beer. Mel’s has been synonymous with New Wallum since its founding. It is the second oldest brewery in America owned by a guy named Mel.
(Of course, we all know Mel’s Brewery in New Wallum should be number one. Mel’s Finest out in Schenectady was actually owned by a cousin named Stan for a while in the sixties when young Mel ran off to live in a van with some floozy flower child named Melodious.)
The beloved brewery has survived all manner of plagues and pestilence. Mel’s made it through Prohibition by selling soda pop, near beer, and some things out the back door and some other things out the cellar door. In anticipation of Prohibition’s centennial, Mel’s brew masters are working on a near beer they are calling Faux Beer. Faux Light will especially appeal to the health conscious. It will be an empty can.
The hard-working brewers at Mel’s are also excited about their new line of sauerkraut beers. A special off-site brewhouse had to be built because of the danger of the sauerkraut tainting the other Mel’s beers. Melania IPA is another new offering honoring our nation’s first lady. It is attractive yet mildly hoppy, a quiet beer that seems to be able to tolerate a lot of stupid behavior.
Mel’s fans are excited to know that Mel’s Brewery looks to be in good hands for years to come. The owner, Mel, is bringing his three sons into the business: Melvin, Melton, and Melville.
While a Mel’s “schmeckt gut” any time, it is especially so during one of New Wallum’s gala festivals. There is a long tradition of New Wallumers putting up a tent, cranking up the band, and festing till the wee hours of the morning!
Many of us fondly recall Hereticfest. For years the fest grounds echoed the oompah-pah of old time music and the Mel’s taps flowed steadily, as heretics from across the nation gathered. Heretics have been unfairly stereotyped as a stodgy, not-so-fun group. But they let loose every year at Hereticfest! When New Wallum’s own Discord Singers took the stage at the end of the night, everyone was up and dancing.
It turned out to be a bit too much revelry. Heretics aren’t used to that much fun. Luciferians and Nestorianists with a few beers in them often got out of hand. Alas, Hereticfest was cancelled. Undaunted New Wallum replaced it a few years later with Contrarian Blast. Turns out contrarians can handle their beer. Arrests and faulty inferences through deductive reasoning were reduced dramatically.
Contrarian Blast is just the tip of the festival iceberg. Of course, no German community would be complete without Octoberfest. New Wallumers wondered why stop there? Novermberfest and Decemberfest were huge successes. Unfortunately, the taps froze during Januaryfest.
That leaves quite a few weekends left, and New Wallum is resolute in festing as many of those as humanly possible. Besides, there is a lot to celebrate if you use your imagination.
Toothbrush Fest draws legions of fans of the orthodontic arts every year. The flossing competition attracts a big crowd. Gravity Days packs ‘em in to the fest grounds. Who among us doesn’t appreciate gravity? Try to imagine drinking a beer without gravity. Pretty messy, huh? Dish Towel Jamboree, Lawn Ornamentapalooza, Summer Sausage Carnival, New Wallum celebrates them all!
Even things that others might perceive as a downer, New Wallum can turn on its head and have a party. Lack of Affordable Housing Fest has been a bigger hit than anyone could have imagined.
After the last census, New Wallum was noted for being the second most ethnically homogenous community in America. (Number one was…darn it, I can’t remember now.) New Wallumers want the vacationing masses to know that doesn’t mean all aren’t welcome. To highlight New Wallum’s inviting and cordial attitude, the newest and biggest festival yet was announced: New Wallum Celebrate Diversity Days.
Festival organizers want the public to know EVERYONE is invited. Lefthanded people, people with blue eyes, people in baggy shorts, come one, come all. New Wallum is open to all types. Cat owners, people who drive Fords, guys that wear their baseball caps backwards: New Wallum accepts them all. Never let it be said that New Wallum doesn’t embrace diversity!
