Family Living Focus:  Coping with Grief When a Loved One Dies

Gail Gilman, Family Life Consultant, M.Ed., C.F.C.S. and Professor Emeritus, University of Minnesota         

When someone you love dies, your world changes.  You may feel numb, shocked, or frightened. You may feel depressed and have trouble concentrating.  You may feel guilty for being the one who is still alive.  All these feelings are normal.  There is no right or wrong way to mourn.

Each year, almost 3.5 million people die nationwide.  Every death leaves behind an average of 4 or 5 grieving survivors.  For most, extreme feelings of grief begin to fade within six months after the loss, but some bereaved people may continue to struggle for years to move on with their lives.

It is often helpful to talk with family and friends about the person who is gone.  People sometimes hesitate to mention a dead person’s name or discuss the loss, because they do not want to cause pain.  But it can help when people share their feelings.

Researchers have tried for decades to identify different stages of grief.  They have found that the grieving process differs for every individual.  It is affected by how attached you felt to the person who died; whether you were a parent, child, or spouse; how the death occurred and other factors.

One study found that acceptance of a death comes surprisingly early for most bereaved people, usually within the first month after the loss.  The researchers found that in the two years following a death, the most often-reported symptom is yearning for the person who died. Yearning is much more common than depression, anger, and disbelief.

This study and many others have found that if symptoms are not tapering off by six months after the loss, it may be a sign of a more serious problem, sometimes called complicated grief.  People with complicated grief are at risk for major depression, substance abuse, post-traumatic stress disorder and suicidal thoughts and actions.

Prolonged grief, or complicated grief, is seen in a small portion of bereaved individuals – about 10% or 20%.  Their symptoms are disruptive to their lives and daily functioning.  These people may experience extreme yearning, loneliness and a feeling that life will never have any meaning.

They may have intrusive thoughts and feel ongoing anger or bitterness over the death.  Complicated grief is difficult to treat.

Some studies show that people who have been caregivers for a relative with a long-term illness may adapt relatively quickly to the death.  Researchers found that most did remarkably well after their loved one died.  Their level of depression, which was very high during the caregiving phase before the death, returned to almost normal levels within 6 months after the death.

People caring for someone with a long-term illness may begin the grieving process while their loved one is still alive.  The death may mark the end of suffering for the caregivers and the patients.

The death also eliminates much of the burden associated with daily care in the home.  It frees up time, so the person can now re-engage in social contacts they might have had prior to taking on the caregiver role.

Research also found that about one in five caregivers had persistent, severe depression and other troubling symptoms more than six months after the death.  Many of those who struggled to adapt were either highly depressed before the death or had positive feelings about their caregiving role.

Treating depression before the death seemed to help caregivers cope afterward.  People also did better if they had participated in a program that helped them cope while their relative was still alive.

The program provided group support, information about the disease and other resources.  It was not designed to help people after the death, but that was an unexpected benefit.  The quality of the caregiving experience may have helped them prepare for the death indirectly.

Some studies have found that when patients, doctors and family members directly address the prospect of death before it happens, it helps survivors after the death.  If you are in a long-term disease situation where death is likely, it is helpful to engage in end-of-life care planning, to make it easier to deal with the death once it occurs.

Scientists continue to study different aspects of the grieving process and to search for new treatments.  Researchers are also looking at how cultural attitudes and beliefs about death can affect grief and mourning.

Remember, although the death of a loved one can feel overwhelming, most people can make it through the grieving process with the support of family and friends.  Take care of yourself, accept offers of help or companionship from those around you, and be sure to get additional help or counseling if you need it.

It may take time. The process will be difficult, but you can eventually adjust to life after someone you love has died.

Tips for Coping with Loss:

• Take care of yourself.  Try to eat right, exercise and get enough sleep.  Avoid bad habits such as smoking or drinking alcohol that can put your health at risk.
• Talk to caring friends.  Let others know when you want to talk.
• Find a grief support group.  It might help to talk with others who are also grieving.  Check with hospitals, religious groups, hospices, and local government agencies.
• Do not make major changes right away.  It is smart to wait a while before making big decisions like moving or changing jobs.
• Talk to your doctor.  If you are having trouble with everyday activities, like getting dressed or fixing meals, see your health care provider.
• Consider additional support.  Sometimes short-term talk therapy can help.
• Be patient.  Mourning takes time.  It is common to have roller-coaster emotions for a while.

 Be sure to watch for more Family Living Focus information from Gail Gilman, Family Life Consultant, M.Ed., C.F.C.S. and Professor Emeritus – University of Minnesota in next week’s paper.